The Tug-of-War Within:

ADHD, Routines, and Reclaiming Control

“It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.”

– Charles Darwin

Over the past four weeks, I’ve committed one of the most ‘heinous’ crimes I could imagine: I’ve broken my routine. Since then, I’ve felt like I’m unraveling at the seams. The familiar stability I once had has slipped through my fingers, and it’s left me feeling disoriented, depressed, and, quite frankly, annoyed at myself. I’ve lost my sense of purpose, my drive, and it’s shown in the setbacks I’ve faced. I feel as if I’ve let myself down and deviated from the plan I worked so hard to build.

Have you ever struggled to build a routine that allows you to stay disciplined and structured? For me, it’s been a lifelong challenge. I was undiagnosed with ADHD for over 30 years (I’m only 38), and for most of that time, I didn’t understand why I didn’t think or act the same way others did. I knew something was different about me. The way I learned was not conventional, and what seemed easy for everyone else felt incredibly hard for me. It led to feelings of inadequacy and left me wondering what was wrong with me.

As I grew older, I came to realise that it wasn’t about something being “wrong” with me—it was that I simply didn’t fit into the box that worked for the majority. Now that I understand ADHD, I know how to address the challenges it brings.

After my diagnosis, I tried various medications, from Adderall to Ritalin, before finding Vyvanse. But I soon realised that medication alone wasn’t the solution. To truly manage ADHD, I had to create a routine that would provide the structure I needed. In 2023, following a health scare, I took the opportunity to make significant changes. I cut back on sugary foods and started going to the gym early in the morning, at 4:30 AM. This was the beginning of my transformation, and since then, I’ve worked hard to build a routine that works for me.

My Routine

As I wake up at 4:30 AM, the first thing I feel is the cold, wet nose of my 5-year-old German Shepherd, Revy, nudging me, followed by a shake of her head as she seeks my attention.

I stumble into the kitchen, grab the coffee grounds, scoop them with care, and begin to brew my precious cup.

I return home between 5:45 and 5:50 AM, giving me just enough time to attend to any projects I’m working on before the day fully kicks off. By 6:00 AM, the sound of the shower turning on signals that my daughter is getting ready for school. My youngest daughter asks, “Daddy, where’s my chocolate milk?” and Revy nudges me again, seeking her breakfast. It’s a familiar, comforting chaos that reminds me the day is already in full swing.

The Struggles

Where the world often has me pulled in ten different directions—whether it’s photography, creative writing, filmography, scanning through magazines, spending time with my children, focusing on work, or tackling my studies—I find myself struggling with ADHD, which often causes me to avoid everything I’m supposed to be doing. Instead, I get drawn to entirely new tasks, leaving the ones I should focus on behind.

It’s frustrating and disheartening. People often don’t understand the internal battle those of us with ADHD face. It can be difficult to explain that it’s not laziness or lack of interest, but rather a constant internal struggle to maintain focus and attention. It can make progress feel like an uphill battle, especially when you’re trying to juggle so many things at once.

I feel this weight often, like a lump in my chest. It’s not a literal pain, but it’s that sensation of having missed something important—like an assignment forgotten, or a commitment unfulfilled. It’s overwhelming. I want to scream, cry, or curl up in a ball to escape it. But at the same time, I know I’m not failing. I’m still succeeding in many ways, despite the chaos and the mental tug-of-war. This sensation, though, still lingers as a reminder of the constant balancing act I’m navigating.

A Plan for Moving Forward

I’ve realised that the key is to make small adjustments and not get discouraged if something doesn’t work immediately. It’s about building consistency, even if it takes time.

I’m also learning to ease back into my successful routines, rather than rushing to force them back. Little by little, I’m reintroducing the elements that worked for me—like going to the gym early, reducing sugar intake, and prioritising sleep.

The process of experimentation helps me avoid burnout. It also helps prevent me from losing interest altogether in one area. Trying new things makes the routine feel fresh and manageable.

Moving Forward

The road ahead may not be easy, but I’ve learned that small, consistent adjustments can make a big difference. Progress isn’t about perfection—it’s about moving forward, one day at a time.

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”

– Socrates